


switch off

by frougge



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Canon Compliant, Levi-centric (Shingeki no Kyojin), M/M, mostly written so i can stop thinking abt them LOL, takes place after the return to shiganshina arc, they/them pronouns for hange love you twin xx, unfortunately
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-22
Updated: 2021-01-22
Packaged: 2021-03-14 14:20:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28921983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frougge/pseuds/frougge
Summary: "I can leave you alone for a bit. For as long as you need to," Hange hesitates, "to say goodbye."Levi's mouth goes dry. For the first time, he shifts his eyes to Hange, catches the way their shoulders are slumped. Erwin was as much Levi's friend as he was Hange's, even if Levi wants to pretend he had a bigger claim on him given everything. Even if Levi wants to pretend they meant something more to each other. And—Hange's shoulders are heavy with the death of Moblit, with the death of the rest of their squad, with the death of the newest recruits. Levi too, grieves for them, but not as much, not as considerably.Still: he remains selfish. "Yes," he says. Then, looking back at Erwin, adds, "please."
Relationships: Levi/Erwin Smith
Comments: 4
Kudos: 52
Collections: Amazing EruRi Fics





	switch off

**Author's Note:**

> stares... well well well. last week got back into aot both the anime nd manga and let's just say everything about it is making me unwell LOL. 
> 
> sorry for any typos this was written in the notes app on my phone heart emoji why why why erwins death nd levi being in love w him in my mind at all times. anw titles from light bulb by nct xx

They set Erwin down in one of the Shiganshina homes. They set his body down, Levi corrects himself. Erwin's long gone.

His grave is the empty bed in a child's room. Although the house is relatively untouched, the master bedroom has a gaping hole in its walls; from the titans Bertholdt and Reiner let in four years ago or from all the destruction Bertholdt unleashed on Shiganshina not too long ago, he's not sure. There's no telling whether the family that lived there survived, but Levi bears it no mind as he and Hange set the body down. The bed is just barely long enough and wide enough, but it works. It works, and once Erwin's lying there, eyes shut, skin unbelievably pale, Levi can almost imagine they're simply stopping for the night. He can almost imagine their horses are tethered outside with a few out of the new recruits that died today are keeping watch, that the rest of the Corps is somewhere in the darkness.

"God," Hange says, breaking the silence for a moment. They don't elaborate and Levi doesn't press, but staying there, in the room, in the house, in Shiganshina, is a waste of time. Who knows if the titans won't return. They need time to rest before they can transform again after all the injuries they've sustained, that's true, and it's likely they'll have to regroup—they've lost the Colossal Titan, a treasured asset. Still, the Survey Corps have already been here an hour. Two, maybe, and they've still yet to go to the basement.

Not to mention the rest of the surviving members of the Survey Corps are on the walls, practically defenseless. If the Beast Titan is able to regenerate quickly—if the Armored one is... they stand no chance, Levi knows. Out of the five waiting up there, maybe two are unharmed. Maybe less. 

Levi's bones ache, too, his muscles sore, his hands like rubber. Hange must feel the same, if not worse, judging by all the injuries scattered on their figure. Judging by the bandage wrapped unsightly over their eye, which has been—Levi doesn't even know, doesn't ask, too overcome with tragedy to focus. He doesn't ask about Moblit, though his absence is painfully obvious; he always followed Hange like a shadow, there to back up their every move. The rest of Hange's squad is noticeably gone, too, and Levi doesn't ask about them, either.

All this to get to the basement. Levi hopes it's worth it. If nothing else, at least they sealed the inner and outer walls and managed to capture Bertholdt, managed to get ahold of the abilities of the Colossal Titan. They almost had Reiner, too, according to Hange and Jean. If they had managed to keep Reiner hostage—if the risk of splitting the spinal fluid was small enough to make it a viable choice—maybe...

His eyes skew up Erwin's body as he forces himself to stop zoning out and staring at the glaringly red bandage wrapped around his middle. The wounds he's suffered—Floch droned on and on about them, but Levi hadn't been listening, mind flooded with relief at the possibility of Erwin being alive, at the possibility of him still being able to save him. He'd only managed to start paying attention by the time Floch started explaining why he'd even bothered to drag Erwin over the wall, what with him bleeding out. He'd planned to kill him, Floch said; the only one alive out of the dozens that charged at the Beast Titan. He'd planned to kill him, to drive his sword through his neck, to play executioner. To give him the same fate Erwin'd given tens and hundreds and thousands of his men before, playing with their lives in operations that'd inevitably end with death.

But: that would've been too kind for him, Floch had decided, and so he'd strapped Erwin to his back and brought him over the wall so he could get the spinal fluid. So the few alive Survey Corps members could stand and watch as Erwin transformed into a mindless titan, so they could stand and watch as he ate a kid, practically, that pled for his life.

Would letting him die be too kind? Would letting him rest, after the pain he's brought to so many lived in through their family and friends that had to deal with their loss? Maybe. There's no hiding that Erwin wasn't the most humane commander, gambling the lives of his soldiers for the sake of advancing forward. Levi knows this—of course he does. He remembers the loss of his squad in the operation to capture the Female Titan, remembers how Petra's father reacted upon being notified of her death, how happy and proud he'd been of her beforehand. Remembers Isabel and Farlan, who'd died in their first expedition, only there to accomplish a task that wouldn't come to fruition anyway. Levi knows this and he still choses to give the spinal fluid to Armin, choses to let Erwin go. To let him rest, to save him from the fate of turning into the Colossal Titan. To save him from the fate of eating Bertholdt, of having to still live with the guilt he's held close, of being paraded around like a show horse as they do with Eren.

To save him from finding out the truth, as he's wanted, and deciding none of what he's done, of what and who he's sacrificed was worth it.

Even so, Levi's glad that Floch brought him back, even if it was essentially for nothing, even if Erwin was already drifting away by the time he was laid down on the roof, mind too dizzied with pain for him to think clearly. It's selfish, Levi knows, but it means he's able to properly say goodbye, which isn't a mercy they as soldiers often have. It wasn't the case with his own squad. With Hange's squad. With countless others who've died on previous missions. And this—this lets them set Erwin in one of the empty homes, lets his bones rest. He's not stuck with the sea of corpses on the other side of the wall, at the mercy of nature.

"We should get going," Hange speaks up again, standing up from where they were crouched by the bed, staring at Erwin's body as if they still couldn't believe what happened. They dust off their uniform, give Levi a long look, and Levi's muscles itch to shift where he's standing by the door, terribly stiff, itch to leave and forget this ever happened. "We've still yet to go to the basement, and we have to keep in mind that they might return, and..." they trail off.

"I know," Levi says. He doesn't move from his place. "I just—"

What? He just what? He finds himself at a loss for words, unable to explain. He wants to stay there, wants to stay to keep watch over Erwin, wants to stay in case it was a fluke and Erwin wakes. Stay to make sure nothing happens to him, to make sure they can take the body back inside the walls, to make sure he can get a proper burial. To make sure his body doesn't decompose completely before they're able to return and take it back with them, even if that's inevitable.

It's irrational, he knows. They won't even be able to bring back the bodies of the new recruits—Erwin's, either. Getting back home will be difficult enough already, what with the limited number of horses, which means all the casualties will have to stay behind. Which means Erwin will have to stay here, in this house, until they can come back. Levi doesn't want to let that happen, and yet there's nothing he can do. He's never felt as powerless as he does now.

"Do you want to stay for a moment?" Hange asks, breaking the silence. It's uncomfortable. Everything is uncomfortable. Levi doesn't want to be in this situation, doesn't want to be sending Erwin off, doesn't want to let him go. "I can leave you alone for a bit. For as long as you need to," they hesitate, "to say goodbye."

Levi's mouth goes dry. For the first time, he shifts his eyes to Hange, catches the way their shoulders are slumped. Once they leave the house and head back to the remaining members of the Survey Corps, there'll be no place for that. Hange's now commander, Levi remembers; Hange's now commander and there's no place for such weakness. Not in front of the soldiers, who've nearly lost all hope, and certainly not in front of everyone inside the walls.

Erwin was as much Levi's friend as he was Hange's, even if Levi wants to pretend he had a bigger claim on him given everything. Even if Levi wants to pretend they meant something more to each other. And--Hange's shoulders are heavy with the death of Moblit, with the death of the rest of their squad, with the death of the newest recruits. Levi too, grieves for them, but not as much, not as considerably.

Still: he remains selfish. "Yes," he says. Then, looking back at Erwin, "please."

Hange nods, hanging their head, and moves past Levi to leave. Their hand hovers over Levi's shoulder, ghosting it as they pass him, and Levi listens to their footsteps before he catches the front door opening and closing behind them. With Hange gone, immediately he feels his shoulders drag down, feels his knees threaten to buckle as he moves towards the bed. It takes all he has not to fell before he makes it to Erwin, before he takes Hange's spot and kneels by the bed. 

Erwin looks the most peaceful he ever has.

There's blood on his uniform, splattered across his bandage, staining his skin. Levi doesn't pay it much attention—tries his best not to—but the sight of it makes his stomach turn regardless, makes his mouth run dry, makes him feel uncomfortable in his own skin. Levi wiped the blood from his own face with a handkerchief and Hange must've done the same to Erwin; it smeared, streaks of red on pale skin, and Levi stares. His fingers clutch the sheets on the bed, knuckles quickly bleeding white, and he just stares.

Erwin should've stayed in Shiganshina, he thinks in a last resort; yes, Erwin should've stayed. Levi should've gone through with his empty words and actually threatened to break Erwin's legs, or should've just gone ahead and done it. Or Erwin should've figured out a way to convince the new recruits to charge on their own, let them lead themselves to their own untimely death. And—Levi reels from even thinking that, for placing Erwin's life so clearly above everyone else's, but he can't convince himself to change his mind. It'd never happen, he knows, Erwin would never stay back, even if to sate his own curiosity—and if he did, the guilt that's been clogging up his veins would reach its limit.

They would've always ended up here, one way or another, Levi thinks. Erwin's gambling would've always caught up to him, would've always ended with him dead. At least this way, Levi was by his side when he died, whether Erwin was aware of it or not. At least this way, Levi can say goodbye. He just can't bring himself to do it.

Levi digs his fingers grabs the sheets harder, using all the strength he's got left. He stares at Erwin, at his body—at his corpse, and his fingers go slack. Unable to stay up, he hangs his head low, hair falling in front of his eyes, his blood thick and heavy with disappointment and guilt. He never should've let it get to this point. He's Erwin's right hand man, in all meanings of the word. Was Erwin's right hand man. He should've done more, he thinks futilely, knowing there was nothing he could've done. 

Instead, he should've at least taken care of the Beast Titan, should've dealt the few final blows and ended his life. He'd been close—so, so close, and still failed. It's the first time he hasn't managed to go through with an order Erwin's given him, and—and.

It doesn't matter now, none of it does. There's no sense crying over spilled milk. What matters now is getting back to the others, making sure Armin is fine, making sure he inherited Bertholdt's powers with no issues. What matters now is going to the basement that Erwin died for and hoping that Grisha Yeager wasn't lying about it hiding the truth, whatever that mayb be. Erwin's nothing more than simply another casualty and there's nothing else Levi can do for him, not anymore.

By staying at his side as he's grown so accustomed to, Levi's doing nothing but wasting everyone's time.

And yet—he lifts his head, reaches out and smooths Erwin's hair out of his face. He eyes him carefully, trying to commit his every feature to memory, hoping to never forget what he looked like. Maybe Hange's kept one of their countless sketches of Erwin—maybe there's some of Moblit's work. Maybe. Maybe not.

Levi lets his hand slide down the side of Erwin's face, almost regretting it immediately after; his skin is cold to the touch, chillingly so, and Levi grits his teeth. He can't make himself say anything, too chocked up to do so without breaking down, but—Erwin's always understood him, always understood his silent signals and silent glances. Always trusted him, too. He trusted him. He wouldn't have lead the charge to his death, if he hadn't trusted Levi would be able to do something about the Beast Titan, that he'd be able to save Eren and the rest of those inside the walls. Similarly, Levi has to trust that now, Erwin understands him. If he doesn't, it's not like Levi won't follow him to the grave soon enough, given how everything's been going.

The thought almost makes him smile.

Levi slips his hands away from Erwin's face, lets them slide down to his arm. He grips it tightly, lips moving along to words he can't bear to say, before he clamps his mouth shut and reaches for the Survey Corps patch on Erwin's jacket. It feels like he's desecrating his body as Levi rips it off, even if he's doing it as gently as he can; he should've left it on, he knows, should've left it on for when they come back to take his body inside the walls. Should've left it on and yet he's too selfish to do anything but keep it for himself, to do anything but let his thumb skip over the wings of freedom emblem before he slips it safely inside his jacket pocket, keeps it as memorabilia, of a reminder of everything Erwin was and everything Erwin meant to him. Levi pushes the jacket back into place and gets up, keeping his eyes on Erwin.

There's not anymore he can do, but he lingers in the room anyway, too aware of the time he's wasting. Reaching down, he readjusts the collar of Erwin's uniform, moves the jacket, too, drags his fingers over the empty space left behind by the patch. It's the only clean spot on Erwin's jacket, the rest marred by blood and soil—as is the rest of Erwin's body. For once, Levi pays the dirt no mind as he lets his fingers smooth Erwin's skin one last time, before he turns on his heel and doesn't spare Erwin another glance as he slips out of the room and joins Hange outside.

.

The day before the expedition to Shiganshina, Levi finds Erwin watching the chaos inside the dining hall. He's standing by the threshold and though his face is stoic as per usual, the chaos inside the room dances in his eyes, reflecting all the lives of those inside. New recruits from the Military Police anticipating their first expedition outside the wall paired with more experienced Survey Corps members that are able to eat meat for the first time in months, if not longer, are making an uproar, filling the city with noise. It's grating to Levi's ears, but Erwin doesn't seem to mind, watching on silently.

When Levi walks up to stand next to him, Erwin doesn't say anything, doesn't acknowledge his presence, continues staring forward. Levi's tense before the expedition, as he is usually, body heavy with the inevitable losses they're about to endure, and there's a bad taste in his mouth, something sour against his tongue, staying put even after the countless teas he's drunk to get rid of it. As he looks up at Erwin, watches him, he's almost certain it has to do with him as a reminder of the conversation they had a few days ago plays in his mind, of how he'd tried to convince Erwin to stay.

It hadn't worked. It'd never work, he knew that before he even tried, before the idea even crossed his mind. In no world would he be able to persuade Erwin to leave behind his men, to leave behind the dream his father'd sown in his mind, but, even now, Levi opens his mouth, hoping that he can find something to say that would change his mind, that would make him stay. He doesn't get a chance, as the noise from inside the dining hall suddenly increases; without looking, Levi recognizes the shrill voices of Eren and Jean, no doubt engaging in another one of their petty squabbles.

Erwin lets his stoic mask slip, then, as he smiles, just barely, turning his attention to Levi, who promptly closes his mouth. "Your squad," he tells him and gets a scowl in return; it only makes his own smile widen, before he shakes his head. "At this point, I doubt they'll ever grow out of this."

"At least they work well together outside the walls," and Erwin hums, slipping his eyes off Levi to watch inside the dining hall. Levi swallows, wondering if Erwin feels the same unsettling feeling taking over his skin as he does. There's no hiding the fact that they're among the most skilled Survey Corps members left; with Mike gone and his squad gone, with the entirety of Levi's old squad gone, with everyone else gone, they're on the frontlines. The recruits are likely to die quickly, Levi knows, given their lack of experience and the fact that they simply haven't faced titans before, and that leaves the rest of them on the first line of attack.

And if that happens...

The fight inside the dining hall escalates and, as much as Levi doesn't want to leave Erwin's side, as much as he wants to try and make him stay, he has to take care of that first. Erwin meets his eyes and gives Levi another private smile. "You should go stop them," he says, more amused than anything else. "No Captain should allow such insubordination inside his squad."

"It's not exactly insubordination, is it," Levi says dryly. Light bounces off Erwin's eyes.

"Infighting, then," he amends.

Eren's screams get louder, matched almost equally by Jean's; Levi scowls some more. He moves past Erwin to enter the dining hall, turning to give him one last look. "You should join everyone inside," he says, and doesn't wait for the inevitable think piece that would come alongside a rejection, slipping inside to tell his squad members off. He doesn't turn to see if Erwin follows him and doesn't catch sight of him again for the rest of the evening. It's only in the morning that they see each other again, when the civilians inside the walls see them off, and Levi unsuccessfully tries to quell the sinking feeling in his mind.

**Author's Note:**

> hope u enjoyed<3 love wins except in this case. rip to my king erwin xx


End file.
